Estairia Hong

Estairia Hong: Identity-Affirming Counselling for All of You

Estairia Hong is a Registered Therapeutic Counsellor at Thrive Downtown who offers a collaborative, identity-affirming space for people who have spent years masking, playing small or performing to fit in. Estairia supports LGBTQ2S+ and neurodivergent clients, people in non-monogamous relationships, and couples navigating big relationship transitions. This guide explains how Estairia works and how you can begin.

Unmasking: Coming Home to Yourself

Estairia’s page describes growing up in a world that demands conformity, learning to adapt, excel and perform while feeling disconnected from your most authentic self. For many people, this pattern has a name: masking.

What masking can look like

• Hiding parts of your identity, such as your sexuality, gender or cultural background, to stay safe or accepted
• Copying other people’s social behaviour so you do not stand out, a pattern many autistic and ADHD adults describe
• Saying yes when you mean no, to stay useful or easy to be around
• Suppressing needs like rest, movement or quiet
• Feeling like no one truly knows you, even the people closest to you

Why it takes such a toll

Masking often begins as a clever survival strategy. Over time, though, constantly monitoring yourself can be exhausting. Estairia’s page notes that ignoring your inner voice can show up as anxiety, depression, burnout or identity loss. None of this means you are broken. It means you have been working very hard to belong.

How counselling can help

With Estairia, unmasking happens gradually and on your terms. Sessions can help you notice where you are performing, reconnect with what you actually feel and need, and choose where it is safe and worthwhile to show more of yourself.

Small ways to practise unmasking

• Notice one moment each day when you adjusted yourself to fit in, without judging it
• Choose one safe person or space where you can be a little more yourself
• Let yourself stim, fidget, rest or leave early when you need to
• Try naming a preference out loud, even a small one like where to eat
• Celebrate the parts of you that you once hid

An Intersectional Lens

The term intersectionality, coined by legal scholar Kimberlé Crenshaw, describes how different parts of identity, such as race, gender, sexuality, class and disability, overlap to shape experiences of privilege and oppression. Estairia’s page describes a practice that is intersectional and attuned to power, and that sees each person as inherently whole, shaped by layered life experiences.

What this means in sessions

• Your experiences of racism, homophobia or cultural displacement are named as real, not minimized
• Collective and family-centred values are respected, not treated as unhealthy “enmeshment”
• Resilience and community strength are recognized alongside pain
• Differences are honoured rather than pathologized

Who Estairia Hong Supports

Estairia Hong lists a distinctive set of specialties, each approached without pathologizing difference.

LGBTQ2S+ clients

Whether you are questioning, coming out, exploring gender, facing family rejection or simply wanting a counsellor who gets it, Estairia offers affirming care. QMUNITY is a valuable BC resource for queer, trans and Two-Spirit communities.

Relationship transitions

Relationships change shape: opening up, closing, redefining roles, or consciously uncoupling. Estairia supports individuals and couples through these shifts with care, consent and curiosity.

Neurodivergence, ADHD and autism

Estairia’s page names ADHD among the ways an ignored inner voice can surface, and lists neurodivergence, ADHD and autism as specialties. Counselling can help you understand your brain rather than fight it. Thrive also offers dedicated neurodiversity counselling.

• Understanding burnout linked to masking and sensory overload
• Working with executive function challenges without shame
• Exploring a later-in-life realization that you may be neurodivergent
• Communicating needs in relationships and at work

Non-monogamy and polyamory

Estairia is non-monogamy and polyamory affirming, and sex work positive. You will not need to justify your relationship structure or your work to receive support.

Inner child work

Inner child work turns toward the younger parts of you that learned to stay small or silent, offering them the attention and care they may have missed.

Shadow work

Drawing on the idea, first described by psychiatrist Carl Jung, that we all have a “shadow” made of traits and feelings we have disowned, shadow work gently explores what you have been taught to hide. Many people find that anger, desire, ambition or grief held in the shadow carry important energy and information.

Pet loss

Losing an animal companion can be as painful as any other bereavement. This specialty is explored in its own section below.

When One Partner Realizes They Are Queer

Estairia’s page speaks directly to a situation many couples face quietly: one partner in a cis heterosexual monogamous relationship realizes they are queer. These moments can hold deep love and deep uncertainty at the same time.

Questions couples often bring

• How do we honour what we have built while making room for something new to emerge?
• Is it possible to stay together, and what would that look like?
• How do we talk about this with children, family or friends, if at all?
• What does each of us need to feel safe while things are uncertain?
• How do we grieve the relationship we thought we had?

Many possible paths

As the page says, there is no one-size-fits-all outcome. Some couples redefine their relationship, some explore non-monogamy, and some move toward a conscious uncoupling. Estairia’s role is not to steer you toward a particular ending but to help both partners stay grounded in honesty, compassion and clarity while you decide.

Non-Monogamy and Polyamory, Without Judgment

Consensual non-monogamy describes relationships where everyone involved knows about and agrees to more than one romantic or sexual connection. It includes open relationships, polyamory and many other structures people design for themselves.

Themes that often come up in counselling

• Agreements: creating, revisiting and renegotiating the boundaries that work for everyone.
• Jealousy and insecurity: understanding what these feelings point to rather than treating them as failures.
• Communication: sharing needs honestly across several relationships.
• Time and energy: balancing partners, work, friends and rest.
• Stigma: coping with judgment from family, workplaces or even past therapists.

Questions worth exploring together

• What are each person’s hopes, and what are their fears?
• Which agreements feel essential, and which are open to change?
• How will you check in with each other as things evolve?
• What support do you each have outside the relationship?
• How will you handle disclosure to family, friends or colleagues?

Estairia’s intersectional lens recognizes that people from non-monogamous or collective-rooted backgrounds may face unique challenges, and also bring unique strengths.

The Approaches Estairia Hong Uses

Estairia Hong describes an approach that is collaborative, identity-affirming and rooted in deep listening. These are the methods listed on the page.

EMDR

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing helps the brain reprocess distressing memories through bilateral stimulation, such as eye movements or taps, so they feel less charged. It can be helpful for trauma, including experiences of discrimination. Estairia has formal EMDR training; see Thrive’s EMDR therapy page for more.

Emotion Focused Couples Therapy

EFCT helps partners understand the emotional cycle that drives conflict or distance, and create moments of safe connection. It works across relationship structures and identities. The ICEEFT offers background on emotionally focused therapy.

Internal Family Systems

IFS views the mind as a system of parts, such as a part that masks, a part that performs or a part that longs to be seen. Rather than silencing any of them, IFS helps you understand their roles and lead them from a calm, compassionate Self.

Spirituality

For clients who want it, spirituality can be woven into sessions, whether that means faith traditions, personal practices or a broader sense of meaning. It is always optional and guided by your beliefs.

Trauma and grief informed care

Estairia’s practice is attuned to power, oppression and resilience, and to the effects of racism, colonization, homophobia and cultural displacement. Safety, choice and pacing guide every session.

Client centred care and intuitive collaboration

You are the expert on your life. Client centred care means Estairia follows your lead, and intuitive collaboration means the work is co-created, responsive and shaped by what emerges between you.

Grieving a Pet

Pet loss is one of Estairia’s specialties, and it deserves more recognition than it usually gets. Animal companions often provide daily routine, unconditional affection and a sense of being needed, so their absence can leave a very real hole.

Why this grief can feel lonely

Researchers sometimes call this “disenfranchised grief”: loss that others do not fully acknowledge. You may hear “it was just a pet” or feel pressure to move on quickly. In counselling, your grief is taken seriously.

Gentle ways to honour your companion

• Create a small ritual, such as lighting a candle or planting something
• Write a letter to your pet about what they meant to you
• Keep a photo, collar or favourite toy somewhere visible
• Talk about them with people who knew and loved them
• Allow waves of grief to come and go without judging them

When grief lingers

There is no correct timeline for grief. If sadness, guilt about decisions made at the end of your pet’s life, or numbness are affecting your sleep, work or relationships, talking it through with a counsellor can help you carry the loss more gently.

Starting Counselling with Estairia at Thrive

Estairia’s page reminds you that healing often starts with one small, powerful step. Here is what that step looks like at Thrive.

1. Book a free 15 minute consult on the new client appointment page to ask questions and get a feel for the fit.
2. Choose Estairia or be matched. Request Estairia by name, or tell Thrive what you need through the contact form. You can also browse all Thrive counsellors.
3. Your first session focuses on what brings you in and what you want, at a pace that feels right.
4. A co-created plan takes shape around your goals, identities and relationships.
5. In person or online: meet at 470 Granville St. in downtown Vancouver or join by secure video.

Where this fits in the Thrive Formula

Regulate offers grounding when life feels noisy. Reveal explores the patterns you adapted to survive. Reclaim helps you move with greater clarity, choice and intention, the very words Estairia uses to describe the goal of the work.

Fees and coverage

Current rates are shown when booking or on the contact page. Extended health coverage varies, so check your plan for sessions with a Registered Therapeutic Counsellor. Thrive also offers low-cost counselling with supervised interns.

Frequently Asked Questions About Estairia

What are Estairia’s credentials?

Estairia Hong is a Registered Therapeutic Counsellor (RTC #2944 of ACCT) with a Diploma in Professional Counselling, plus formal training in EMDR and EFCT.

Do I need a diagnosis to talk about ADHD or autism?

No. Counselling does not require a formal diagnosis. Many people come because they suspect they are neurodivergent and want to understand themselves better. For ADHD information, CADDAC is a helpful Canadian resource.

Can we come as a couple if we are not sure we want to stay together?

Yes. Couples counselling with Estairia does not assume a particular outcome. It supports both partners in making thoughtful, caring decisions.

Will I have to explain my identity or relationship structure?

You will not have to educate your counsellor or defend who you are. You can share as much context as feels useful to you.

Is Estairia sex work positive?

Yes. Estairia’s page states a sex work positive stance, so you can talk about your work openly and without judgment.

Is spirituality part of every session?

No. It is available if it is meaningful to you, and left out if it is not.

How will I know if this is the right fit?

Feeling safe, heard and respected by your counsellor matters a great deal. The free consult is a low-pressure way to notice how the conversation feels. If it does not feel right, Thrive can help you find another counsellor on the team.

What if I am in crisis?

Counselling is not an emergency service. If you are in crisis, call or text 988, or call 911 in an emergency. You can also visit 988.ca.

Connect with Estairia Hong

As the quote on Estairia’s page says, the world needs you, all of you. You do not have to carry everything alone. Book a free 15 minute consult through the Thrive contact page or call 604-227-0297 to see whether working with Estairia Hong feels right for you.