Gratitude: More Than a Buzzword
We’ve all been hearing about gratitude for a while now. It has become a real buzzword, thanks to influencers and mental health advocates on several social media platforms. I see the word being tossed around like a command more than anything — “Be grateful! Give thanks! Have an attitude of gratitude!” — but is it really so simple? Is it so easy? In my humble therapeutic opinion, no.
Gratitude is complex and has more depth than it’s given credit for. It has the capacity to present as a thought (e.g. I am grateful for the company of my dog, Chester) and as an emotion (e.g. I feel grateful for the company of my dog, Chester). Did you catch the difference? It’s subtle, yet significant. This is where gratitude practice connects to gratitude and mental health: learning to experience gratitude not just as a thought exercise, but as a felt sense.
From Coffee Sips to Post-Its: Daily Gratitude in Action
From what I’ve observed in therapy and in my own life, the beginner’s level of gratitude is something along the lines of coming up with three things a day that you’re grateful for. Maybe you say them out loud or maybe you write them down in a fancy gratitude journal. However you do it, the underlying objective of this practice is to get you into the habit of looking for new things to be grateful for. The obvious ones (family, job, home) run out fast. Soon, you’ll discover that you really have to adjust your life lens to find things to be grateful for (e.g. the relief of the first sip of coffee; emergency sewing kits; easy-pour spouts on cartons of juice).
Basically, when you know you have the daily homework of coming up with your gratitude list, you’re likely to be on the lookout for those things. As your practice gets stronger, you’ll gradually shift from looking for things to complain about to looking for things to appreciate. Where once the practice felt difficult, you’ll notice you’re getting much better at it — and you’ll begin to notice the emotional benefits of gratitude for mental health and counselling.
Want to step it up a notch? Why stop at three? How about five or ten things you are grateful for? How about one for every waking hour? How about you wallpaper your whole apartment in gratitude post-its?
Want to get more creative with your gratitude practice? Add to your list things that made you smile, something that made you laugh, or something you feel proud of. Don’t like the word “grateful”? Try happy, lucky, fortunate, neato… it’s your world, your choice. What was a cool thing that happened today or this week? I guarantee there are more than you realize. Sprinkle some joy in your life. It’s all there for you, waiting to be noticed.
Want to graduate to the next level of gratitude? I stumbled into it by chance, and it’s been a real game changer. About a year ago, I was having a crummy week, feeling low, and blowing up some balloons for my self-pity party. I took a break from feeling bad for myself to send a dear friend a birthday text. I like sending long, thoughtful birthday texts, so I really dug in to tell my friend how great he is, how hilarious, generous, encouraging, and inspiring; how lucky I am to know him because he’s changed my life and made it better.
Then the magical thing happened: I felt better. I felt lighter. In my quest to make my friend feel good on his birthday, I made myself feel good. It was the gift that gave back! It hit me like a living lobster thrown at my face: this is gratitude. I was taking account of all the reasons I love my friend, and how I had the great fortune of knowing him, and I was deeply, genuinely feeling it, not merely spewing hollow thoughts into a text exchange.
It was a total accident that I discovered how to experience and practice gratitude this way, and it has changed everything for me. Now I share this with clients too — in gratitude counselling sessions in Vancouver and in everyday conversations.
The Gratitude Burrito (and Other Next-Level Practices)
You can implement this strategy with any person or thing you feel grateful for. You can pick any topic and then expand on it. Who is your favourite person? What is your favourite thing about them? How have they impacted your life? Essentially, why are you grateful for that person? Reflect on your fondest memory. What other emotions come up? What is it about them that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy? Really let yourself sink into it so you get fully enveloped like a “gratitude burrito.”
Not a fan of people? No problem. Your gratitude topic can be work, an animal, movies, furniture, a book, a succulent meal — whatever you like! The point is that you deep dive into the details of why that thing is a source of good in your life. This is where gratitude and happiness link together: when you really feel it, you don’t just notice joy, you embody it.
Yes, You Can Be Mad and Grateful at the Same Time
I want to include another very important note here: gratitude is a lovely practice, and can indeed contribute to happiness and well-being, but it won’t solve everything. We have to be realistic, so please don’t be so hard on yourself if you’ve been trying your hardest and still struggling. Furthermore, always keep in mind that gratitude needn’t exist exclusively of other thoughts and feelings. You can complain and feel grateful. You can be sad and grateful. You can be enraged and grateful. You can flail about and curse the world and scream, “Why me!?” and still be grateful. All at the same time!
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Don’t let anyone invalidate your ability to experience a multitude on the spectrum of human emotion. We are spectacular, complex, capable creatures.
I hope you’ll find this helpful, or at least thought-provoking. For a word used so frequently and casually, it deserves more of our attention and understanding, and you deserve the opportunity to give it a try. If you do, or if you have more questions, come have a chat and share your experience with me. Chester (my fluffy dog mentioned above) and I will be grateful to have you.
Lastly, a fun fact: my friend who inspired all of this from the birthday text is our clinic founder and director, Carson Kivari. If you know him, you’ll feel grateful too.
Serena Slatten is a relationship specialist and Registered Clinical Counsellor at Thrive Downtown with extensive experience in addressing mental health issues such as addiction, codependency, relationship problems, stress and anxiety, men’s and women’s issues, life transitions, trauma, and PTSD. If you’re ready to begin your healing journey, reach out to Serena to schedule a session.
